I Am Learning.

This isn’t going to be a long post because, in short, I’ve just been making excuses. I haven’t written the blog posts I promised to myself because I’ve been working around many different things and making decisions that have not prioritized all of the things I enjoy.

My chaos ironically thrives on being organized and disciplined. I have a lot of goals in the next upcoming weeks, months, years, etc. and I’m working toward tending to each of them in their own due time. This has also left me tending to them at the very last minute and designating that as “due time” as I recall how to implement discipline into my life again. I’m finding confidence in remembering that I am in control of my life, I make my own decisions, and I create the life I want to live through daily actions and being intentional. Having this mindset has allowed me to shove myself out of moments of anxiety and stress and into moments of action and accountability.

With that being said, blogging hasn’t been a top priority in my mind. I write in my journal daily and share journal prompts on my Instagram. So in a sense, I do “blog”, but just to myself. I have goals to do more with blogging and expand beyond the written form into audio or video forms. Truth is, I’m just not there yet. I know I’ll get there and I know I’ll get to every other point I have set for myself. I know I’ll accomplish all of the goals I’ve written, as I’ve accomplished goals in the past. I’m just learning that a part of my discipline is to truly remain calm, assess and readjust, remain calm, assess and readjust. I am learning what that looks like with a full-time job, full-time grad school, a dog, side hustles, and more. I am learning how patience looks differently as a young adult.

The most satisfying thing I am learning, though, is that there is no timeline for anything, except for the timelines I set for myself — and even then those are arbitrary. I wanted to publish my second book before the end of this year, and I’m writing. This may or may not happen by year-end, but I’m working with attention to myself first. More books will be written. All of these stories in my head will not go untold. Videos and movies and vlogs will be made. Ideas will come to reality.

Just like healing is not linear, learning and growth are not either. I’m not going to promise to be consistent and 100% disciplined anymore, but I do promise to always keep it real because that’s all I can actually hold myself to. I promise to give myself more grace which leads into being stronger and being able to accomplish the goals I set forth. There are moments when I’ll fall off, get tired, feel anxious, etc. but I’ll always get back up. I’ll always come back for another post, to share more thoughts, and to express that: It’s okay to give yourself a break and to welcome more space for learning. You have a long way to go. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself so you can see who you’ll be when you get there.

Sending love always,

Ashley Mae

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